Illustration by Ben Lamb

Your turn to cook? Christmas dinner looks daunting but relax, people exaggerate. Simply follow my stress-free festive countdown and rediscover the true meaning of Christmas!


Christmas Eve

9pm Pop turkey in barrel of treacle. 9.15pm Bring in lobsters and use this quiet time to kill. 9.43pm Curate stockings. 10.15pm Assemble stuffings, one trad, one contemporary – this year I’m loving luxurious artichoke and eel stuffingetto with saffron. 11.45pm Bacon-wrap chipolatas allowing at least 45 per person. 12.15amStill plenty of time to make my easy-peasy cherry truffle triflinis, with pink champagne jelly and treacle-infused kumquats.

On the day

3am Light ovens. Knead dough for lush salted treacle and kale panettone. 3.45amPrep veg. Keep it simple! Just potatoes, sprouts, celeriac, parsnips, braised red cabbage, pomegranate-stuffed aubergines, caramelised carrots, and broccoli with port and candied wild violets. 5am Make brandy butter and individual nut roasticles. 7am Pop festive breakfast on table. 7.30am Gut lampreys. 8am Open stockings. 9am Assemble my bodaciously saffron lolliblinis with celeriac butter and salted treacle salsa. 10.30am Send family on walk while you tidy. 11amParboil potatoes. 11.10am Create a classic 18th century bread sauce with boar marrow and swan fat. 11.20am Almost there! Finish gravy, cook veg, pop chipolatas in the oven. 11.25am Assemble cheeseboard. 11.42am Internal turkey temp should be at least 1,000 degrees. 11.55am Baste! Open oysters. Warm dishes. Noon Pop pudding on. Hand round lobster tails with fresh hollandaise sauce for dipping. 12.30pm Decorate table. 1pm Take turkey to carver, stir plum-infused Nutella into sprouts, pop veg in tureens – bon appetit! 1.05pm Say you feel sick and while everyone’s eating, make a start on your stress-free Boxing Day countdown! 1.10pm Pop tomorrow’s ham in Lucozade vat.

[Source:-the gurdian]

By Adam